As much as pain is real,Love must be real! For Love will compensate the pain we all suffer

Just hang in there

2012-01-25T16:36:00.004+08:00

I'm very cool on the outside, cool exterior to my friends, cool exterior to my colleagues.

The truth is, my old nature is at work, it is boiling inside of me. It seeks it's own, telling me to fight for my own comfort, selfishly. Afterall, I did the work, I deserve it. There should be no reward for those complaining. I can be as wicked as I can be, and provide a very strong reason to defend myself. Yet the word of God abides in me as well, it is always at war with the old nature. To always stand for what is right, and practice Godly values.

To let all go and give up is the easy way out for me, it'll be faster for me to breathe, at the sacrifice of others. I know and I know, God will come true for me, just that I do not know how long I need to hang on, or can I hang on till God comes true for me?

Whom have I in heaven but You? There is nothing on earth I desire, besides You. I'm holding on, for nobody else, but You.

Someting interesting to share

2011-11-18T15:39:00.002+08:00

"Grip of Grace" this book by Max Lucado is interesting. Suppose God say "Jump so high that you can touch the moon, you are saved".
Now, you can jump 3 inches high, I can jump 6 inches. Even if I can jump twice as high, it's not something I can be proud of, because both of us are still 230,000 miles away from the moon! We will never make it!
this should explain why, we can never jump(or work) our way to heaven. The distance is just too great. We truly and certainly need someone stronger(like God!) to carry us to our destination!
Christians entry to heaven is not earned by works, but by God's grace! Good works that come after that MUST NOT be us(Christians) trying to earn a seat to heaven, but of Love and Servitude to people and to God.

Cruelty, Depression, Suicidal

2011-11-09T09:21:00.002+08:00

I think my fiancee is really cruel to the point that, whenever I'm really down (not normal sadness, really sadness to the grave). She'll really leave me alone and let me fend for myself.

How I wish this wasn't true. This wasn't the first time, actions have convinced me otherwise. I've history of suicidal before I know Christ, although I've overcome most of it, it usually comes back whenever I'm lowest point in life.

To think I've to face it alone.....This is truly....unbelieveable. She went to SOT before even. If this is the kind of students SOT produce, I'll gladly for the rest of my life never to take a step in. Of course, maybe...this is just one story out of many good stories.

Very sad, to face it alone. I know there's God around, I know & I know. It's just that...God is still very quiet now.....

Didn't want to to remember it...

2011-09-04T21:24:00.003+08:00

I must say, I had a dream 2 days ago. About me leading a TP Camus Revival and surprisingly everyone was listening and following me.

Which is theory today, it is practically impossible.
I've given up on that dream long time ago. and if possible, i don't even want to remember it, hate to bring back the sick feelings and memories.

On Sat night, I prayed to God that I'll never had the same dream. Because I want to leave that past and never to revisit again.

Yet I couldn't help but wonder what that dream meant. Logically it couldn't be set by the devil since devil want us to keep out of revival ministry as far as possible...well....I just want to forget about it for now.

I Wonder...

2011-08-26T10:28:00.003+08:00

I sit behind the monitor of my screen, I wonder...and I wonder...if I'm going to be like that for the rest of my life.

You know, the last time I wondered like that, God did a shuffle in my life. I turned from a onsite IT engineer to a offsite Office Helpdesk. Don't feel like it's a promotion, rather a demotion. No salary changes...ah well, at least I can make it for cell group from now on.

Pen Honest Thoughts

2011-08-24T10:54:00.002+08:00

You know I didn't want to go back blogging if I had a choice. Reason being, I cannot post my honest thoughts and feelings in facebook.
Of course I could, but I have to consider
1) What my friends think?
2) What would my work colleagues think? if they misunderstood, they'll end up sabotage me through my boss
3) Being honest thoughts and feelings, some people understand, some people misunderstand. It cannot be helped, we are unique in our own ways, of course we look at things differently.
4) I may end up soiling friendships
5) Sudden outbursts of anger

So from here on, this will be a spot for me to pen my original thoughts and questions. Whatever encounters I have with God, if any.

Quit? Of Course! I'll quit being a quiter!

2010-08-20T12:59:00.006+08:00

Due to my busy work schedule recently, to cut the long story short, I'm cleaning up the mess of a computer virus outbreak that affected 40 users of a computer network. The cleanup process I must say is....Frustrating and long suffering...rubs your bones all the time...12 hour stay. I must really thank God to be able to keep my cool. It's really...hard to remain cool while being pushed to such a level.

So naturally it leads me being able to take dinner alone nowadays (I skipped lunch in hopes of completing my work and go back faster). Not to say i want it, but I appreciate having the time alone to sort out my thoughts, clear the clouds in what is ahead of me. In short - To remain focused.

For those who do not know me well, I have a humorous exterior and a cool interior. Lay man term - Noisy on the outside, quiet on the inside. I may be noisy, but I think through my choice of words on the inside. I'm a 'safe' person.

So I'm a deep thinker...and yes...these times alone sets me thinking. I was thinking about how to tackle the aftermath of the virus outbreak, since I always have the tendency to rush into a situation and think later. Then I thought of having a permanent cure for all virus attacks. I do have something in mind that may be the cure for the whole world (wow?) but I'm lazy to think further and go into it.

Then I thought about my future in this company. Whether my input(Work) matches to my output(Salary). Actually by now, while working with a number of people. I can do quite well with a high salary with another 8-5 routine job out there. I thought through...maybe in my much later years. I don't want a routine job where I do the same thing over...and over again...for the next 10-20 years? I rather settle for a lower pay and more adventurous job.

Thoughts out.

Boo Hoo

2010-07-22T09:31:00.001+08:00

My dear is going overseas...till Monday...so for the next 5 days or so...i'm going to be alone for awhile....hmm....

When your Best is not good Enough

2010-07-19T09:54:00.006+08:00

Recently I had a argument, looks like she was careless about her choice of words, she mentioned I was poor in leading children in children church ministry. I immediately snapped, seeing her mum around, I kept my cool and kept my bomb in control.

I felt a very deep cut in my heart due to what she said, even now I'm typing this, I still feel the pain. For others, no matter how bad they put me down, I would usually feel nothing. But for the one closest to me, I feel very deeply.

Then I started to question myself over these days
"Why did she accept me?"
"Am I not good enough?"
"Where have I done wrong?"
"Is it because she is so high up in ministry leadership that she put down others? Including ME?"

From the bottom of my heart I really did my best. The best I could, the best I can ever give. Yet her words, is just too much for me to swallow and take. Yet I cannot give up. If God allows this, what can I do? I've no choice but to swallow this 'pill'. Her attitude even in SOT really makes me feel disgusted. I gave up my one and only chance to go, for her to go. Yet she took it this way.

My honest feeling now is - I'm disgusted and disappointed. I wish I went to SOT instead, I felt I wasted my time and money.

Yet....I've to smile and put a professional face in work today...even though I feel that way. How long will I endure? How long can I endure? Yet I must go on. I must.

Great Patience Cultivates Great Fruit? (REAL Honest opinion!)

2010-06-15T08:22:00.004+08:00

Well last Sunday service, most of us left with a bang, we all truly learn a lesson about patience!

A true story(My Boss told me), just recently, another IT consultant (let's call him A) engaged one of our clients(call it company C) to do a major project. After some time passed. A and company C went for a meeting, the consultant was shouting with my boss outside waiting. My Boss saw A came out of the meeting fuming with anger. My boss went in, secured the deal for the project. My boss finally knew what was going on: The $$$ involved does not match the workload for the project. A left the place screaming, while my boss negotiate for a better price with a cool head.

All the while in my work, I've observed my own work. Most of the time, i meet very unreasonable clients and I always and ALWAYS have to deal with them with a cool head. I deal with these kind of unreasonable people that I got used to them.
What fruit does this really produce? Secured my job? Maintaining happier relationships with my client?
Even times when I able to finally prove my work to my boss, where I solve something INFRONT of HIM(where he can't solve the problem). He seems to forget about it. Although once in awhile he mentions he's observing us....which makes me go...."yeaaaaa righttttttttt...."

When you are reading this, this must be a familiar situation to you. Being unappreciated. Being in the workforce for so long, that is the MAJOR reason why most people left the company.
Which left me thinking in 2 ways -
1) Why didn't the company bother to keep such talents?
2) Changing company...does it really means another company will appreciate you more?

To bring this point further...let's go back to my job where I was unappreciated for my work. Should I feel that:
1) I definitely deserve a higher pay because of my hard work
OR
2) This is what I should do, since this is part of my job. To get appreciation, it is a BONUS.

In conclusion, it is not just patience that matters, EXPECTATION will determine your attitude as well! Which eventually results in what kind of work you produce. Prolonged un-met high expectations will eventually turn a fruit bad; A worker giving her best in her work, does not receive the bonus/ credit she deserve, eventually either she'll leave the company or produce 'less' excellent work. A worker with lower expectations can produce a more consistent fruit.

Honestly I can't tell what is right or wrong. A good worker definitely deserves a better salary, but that is really dependent on the financial wealth of the company. Yet, it is also right to say - This is what you agreed, that you were paid for to do!

What's my stand? My choice is, I'll continue to give my best in my work. Whether people or my boss appreciate or not means little to me. If I get credit or pay raise, Praise God for it. If I don't, Praise God also. As long as God sees, that is enough for me. Once in awhile I'll grumble, but God can handle that. So...no problem right?

Abit off point - How do you command a higher salary? That depends on - NOT HOW YOUR VALUE YOURSELF but how YOUR BOSS/COMPANY VALUES YOU. Notice the difference?

SHouldn't always believe what we see. Make your own stand!

2010-06-07T14:31:00.005+08:00

I know there has been lots-ta rumors going on regarding my church, that may be going the same path as other corrupt charity organizations.

I've been quiet about it, neither did I go out and make everyone "get the point" about of church. Doesn't mean i'm soft and doesn't mean I don't care.

This is my point: What's the point of winning an arguing? Even if I win? Would you believe? I might as wait for the truth to be out. Then all of you will be quiet before you see the "SHOWN truth"

Why didn't I leave? Because we are REAL people who serve a REAL God. That's my stand, I wouldn't move unless God moves. That is my CONVICTION. I wouldn't leave just because someone poke me or I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. and that is CONVICTION.

Opps I did it again

2010-05-28T01:35:00.000+08:00

I did it again. This time I turned to a stronger dose of medicine: If I can't control it, I gotta remove it.

Back to normal again for now...

Injustice the Ushers suffer sliently.

2010-05-27T01:07:00.002+08:00

Was waiting in the queue today when I saw a usher took a scolding from a guest(like anyone of us). It was obviously the guest was driven mad by the long waiting time in the queue and vent her frustrations on the poor usher.

I'm very impressed by the professionalism of the usher. She took the scolding with a continued smile!

Hail all Ushers. Salute!

Too comfortable for change?

2010-05-21T08:31:00.003+08:00

Been 1 year in my favorite job now...I got a hang of it and....suddenly new changes come:

My boss is opening up a new office that could provide training, as well as a headquarters to build company's name and make our services known.

I wouldn't be going for part-time adv-diploma nor degree next year as my boss said he'll provide the training for me in the new office while I just take the certified exam papers outside.

Boss has been asking me to restructure a client's network storage/ data organization. It's a pretty tedious process as people here are ALWAYS resistant to change. I'll have to think of a way to make the new structure......appealing to them.

Changes are uncomfortable, but are for the good.
We should up our value, before we should ask for promotion and pay raise.
My dear can eat better now (haha.)

Conclusion? no-communication leads to wild thinking.

2010-05-20T09:36:00.002+08:00

Really was too much thinking on my part. finally gave my dear a call...and man...she can really talk. haha. I ended up listening most of the time.
Girls out there, please read this:
"Most of the time when guys share, WE don't really need a solution. WE ALREADY HAVE A SOLUTION (YES & AMEN!). I mean com'on, we are logical thinkers. We are not as dumb as we look. We just share, so that you can have a part in our life!

Lesson learn, point taken (hope you readers too)

Been working really hard this week. Looking forward to rest day.

Finally it began.

2010-05-19T09:05:00.003+08:00

Yes finally back to my usual habits. started with 20 mins of praying and did 25 pushups last night. Good start I must say.

Honestly...in my current situation, I don't see a very hopeful future ahead. I'm saving up for marriage, it seems to take forever, I wonder how long am I going to save? My parents...I wonder if I can afford their medical bills in future? Myself...am I saving up enough for the future?
Yet...going back to the beginning, in my prayer I keep thanking God
Thank God for all He has done
Thank God for saving me and giving me a chance and loved me first(before I did)
Thank God, where would I be without Him?
Thank God for this job
Thank God for giving me a girlfriend
That's about all in my prayer today.

Been thinking about my girlfriend while I was working these days. Yet I wonder when I'm working, is she thinking of me? naw...maybe not.

She got her dog to keep her company, got a great bunch of friends in SOT and plus she got korean drama to keep her company too.
Maybe...she don't really need me afterall. Really not.
Feel...abit sad. But I can't jump to conclusions.

Thinking too much again.

Honestly I feared.

2010-05-18T10:33:00.003+08:00

I really fear telling the truth. In this world and society today, people love to stone you for any single wrong you do.
Yet I must. I must admit, I am weak in this area. Yet I'm not afraid, neither am I giving up this fight. I will, and I must.

For past 2 days I didn't pray...again. Went back to gaming, this time a new game: Caesar3. Simply put...where the game leads you to build from tents to a HUGE empire...The desire to meet the objectives of the game...is really addictive....very addictive to me. Games with objectives keeps me playing and playing till I meet them.

I finally completed the last mission yesterday. Yes I finally ended it. and Yes, it's finally over. Yet this exposes my weakness to myself once again. Again, I told myself:
"Man...not again...."

An accidental mistake...yet a good start

2010-05-14T11:54:00.003+08:00

I accidentally patched my diablo2 game and caused the modification for my game not to work. So I said "Ah...heck, might as well delete the game, lazy to reinstall"
So there I go, there goes my game.

Anyway...finally started erm...praying for 20 mins...good start.

Tomorrow suppose to work, but my boss asked me to rest as I'm still recovering from diarrhea (I keep getting the spelling wrong). So...i'll have a whole day with my dear tomm.

Sweet times with her as always. Best spend as much time as couples, as it wouldn't be so sweet when problems arises as husband and wife.

Start of a new Diary again

2010-05-13T09:42:00.003+08:00

Swiping off the dust...things have changed. Thinking changed, attitude changed. Not as reckless as a bull, but slow as a turtle and cautious as a snake.

I must be honest with myself. I'm not as spiritual as before. I no longer hunger for the word nor spiritual things. Maybe as I work, I'm more practical now. Yet, I do know the value of prayer, I do know the value of being spiritually connected to God. Of course I know, yet I do not do. I know and I know! I don't need another preacher to tell me on this. Yet it's so easy and convenient to fall into lazyness. Like apostle Paul, I feel the same - "What a wretched person I am!" Knowing what's right, I turn to the left!

I might have reached my bottom line. Once I hit there, I telling myself I cannot sink any lower, I must go higher from here. I know I can, for God never gives up. I know I will, for God prepared my future, I know I must, because I've no choice but to go on! Not to go forward is backwards!

Com'on Guanjin, don't give in to lazyness now. FIGHT! RESIST!
Fight I must!

I think doing blog is good...at least for my children to see. haha.

Toast to myself for my 1st post!

For everything, God has a purpose.

2009-12-14T12:14:00.005+08:00

I felt God reminded me of this area, that I personally think I should share and bless people.

Few months back, on my way home. I was thinking through about my job, and the future advancement of this job, in terms of finances, personal growth, spiritual growth and potential of reaching out to people and making an impact in the marketplace.

My conclusion was: I'm very upset about my job. Not because of bad pay. In fact the pay is pretty good! The nature of the job? Although it's inflexible, it's my dream job! I'll gladly do overtime without complains! What I'm really upset about is the potential to reach out. Reach out to who? network of computers? What impact can an IT person to do impact lifes?

I felt greived and I immediately prayed a short prayer on the spot. I forgotten the exact words but it's something like "If there's a way, God, show me the way, what it pleases you the most"

Today, maung who is my colleague; so far, faithfully attending sunday service. Then just yesterday, I remembered the prayer I made a few months ago! It did really came to pass!

Then I got a change of mind about each individual profession. To everything, God has a purpose, never despise small beginnings, no matter how small. God definitely has a plan in your current job/work/profession!

Some things are meant to die, for God allowed it to happen.

2009-11-20T01:28:00.004+08:00

I used to be a person who want it my way. I wasn't a loud person who demand it my way, but secretly and quietly, i want things go my way.

God has funny ways to remind you of certain things. Today,I took a bus that pass by a route that is very near my school. As I scan the roadside, I remembered the days I walked home after sch, praying and seeking God diligently. Almost everyday for 3 months, I remembered I woke up 5am and reach school at 630am in the morning to pray for the school. I tried to reason within myself since I'm a very strong in reason and factual person. so immediately, 2 things came to my mind;
Fact 1) I really prayed for the sch and seek God the best I could.
Fact 2) God slammed my dream for TP revival direct in my face.

Then I reasoned...maybe...or maybe not I may have realized why God would slam my dream in my face. Most probably my character wasn't strong enough then? Then again, losing the dream could mean I could backslide and leave God forever due to massive disappointments. God must have believed in me more than myself, that I would eventually make it.
I was thinking, should I chase after it again? Nah...it's already over. At least I grown more mature and tougher after that. I'm stronger now, it'll take something greater than slamming a dream in my face to quit.
Back to the present...I'm still encountering problems, I'm still having troubles; Real world, Real people, Real problems, Real Pain, Real Hurts. But I can feel God better now, cos I know, just like the fallen dream; God is there, I may not see God but God is backing me up in the midst of REAL-ity.

Anyway this isn't anything new. The bible states Gold is forged through fire:
Zechariah 13:9
I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure.I will refine them like silverand purify them like gold.They will call on my name,and I will answer them.I will say, ‘These are my people,’and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’”

So it's not surprising I'm having some breakthroughs now. I just got out of the fire. God certainly rewards those who pass through the test of fire.

With This, This Completes the story.

2009-10-19T00:29:00.008+08:00

Remember the time I blogged about how I faithfully prayed for my ex-sch temasek poly? And I came back sinking like a turkey and almost became drowned turkey(backslidded).

My cellgroup knows I really had a hard time, so Junjie and the rest of the cg gave a hamster me. I was comforted by a hamster, and I thought the worse was over. However, within a few mths, under my most faithful care, it died! My last hamster couldn't even celebrate her 1st birthday. My heart was shattered, my world was gone. The tiny little animal that is the only thing that comforted me, I couldn't understand why God wouldn't allow me to keep it. (Post on 26th March 2009)

After that, I tried to find comfort in bgr (unknowingly). I initially failed, and I tried to make a jar full of paper stars as my "final weapon" to win her heart again. But I crushed my heart and ended up giving it to God instead and dedicate it to God with these words "To love God, above my ministries, above my job, above my works, above my efforts" (Post on 26th April 2009)

All above, happen within a span of 6 mths. By the 3rd incident, my heart was already numb to pain. I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore, I was ready to pack my bag, organize and prepare myself to leave the cell group on 12 Nov 2009. I even planned to rent a place in order to stay UN-contactable! Not only I'm just leaving the cell group, I'm also saying goodbye to dating for the rest of my life.(I was thinking, why let a gal suffer with me?)
Sorry, I'm heading straight to the point, it's really really extremely super-ly(if there's such a word) painful for me to go through the details of each incident again. Since I'm heading straight to the point, I didn't expect my readers to understand the fullness in length and in breadth of the painfulness of the heart I went through.

Surprisingly, now I'm already attached! And it's not even november yet! And it happened because I literally 'bite' God with the remaining strength I have and refused to let go.(i'm only left with my teeth, there's no more strength in my hands and legs) For all those incidents that happened, till today, God had not given me an eplanation/reason for what I went through. Finally, I could only say God is good, and He owes me no explanation. He is faithful till the end even if we lose heart(even if we lose our heart). Praise the Lord!

Woke up from a dream.

2009-10-04T06:08:00.004+08:00

Today is really a day that the Lord has made. I slept at 1230, I woke up at 530am from a dream refreshed as if I slept for 7hrs.

I can't remember the full details of the dream but this is what I could remember:
I was ripped off financially(cheated) by a small gal who disguised as an angel, who got away with her father before I could catch her.
The next moment, I was in my depressed state, until an angel came to me and offered me 2 options
1) an offer of 2 million dollars
2) forgive and let the small gal and her father go

this was my answer:
"God, I know your character, I know you'll still bless me even if I forgo the monetary offer and choose to let the family go. Therefore, I choose to let the family go."

My dream then extended a little, then I woke up.
(it really feels like watching a movie)

Prayer Consistancy

2009-09-27T20:36:00.002+08:00

It is quite weird nowadays.....seems something is REALLY REALLY consistent in my life!

You know as my prayer life increases, the people calling me increases as well!

I didn't come out of this out of no-where, but it is consistent! Over a few years, it is still the same! This is really interesting, I gotta test and research more on this! THen I'll reporting my findings like a LAB-Professor!

Too Fast, Too Gracious.

2009-09-24T23:54:00.003+08:00

I just felt a gentle wind when I was taking dinner just now. Usually that means I need to seek God deeper or God wants to speak to me today. So...I'm answerable to Him after this blog...haha.

Things are moving really fast in my life. Some of you...(or should I say most of you) already knew that I took a major step of faith into the next phase of my life. I didn't just make a casual decision, I carefully consider my finances, my spiritual well being, family, personal growth before I made this decision. For those of you who know, good and be silent! For those who don't know, this is what I say : "Things of the Lord, belongs to the Lord. You'll know when the time is right."

Today while I was taking a lift up...I looked at my own reflection...Well I look really pretty ordinary...for me to step into next phase of my life...it is almost impossible to imagine. Am I dreaming? Is this reality? A average joe like me? Really? God, it's me?

For a person carrying a mountain of mistakes...
It's gotta be God' grace.
Life's going too fast, yet God's grace is present regardless of your pace.

Responsibility Really breeds maturity

2009-08-29T10:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we admire people with great character, great status, big visions and big dreams. I realize these are people who usually started small, took up alot of responsibilities, make decisions, be it good or bad, they become who they are today as the result of coming back from their failures/ setbacks.

Maturity seems to also linked with coming back from failures. Mature enough to handle disasters. Mature enough to make firm decisions. Mature enough to see the bigger picture, knowing the consequences of giving up.
Thank God really, I used to be a person who don't have much care in this world. I only want to live my own world, not bothered with everything else around me.

That's why I take the decisions I make very seriously. Most say I take it too serious or think too much. Sometimes I am, but do you really know the consequences as a result of my decisions? That isn't for you to bear, it is for me to bear, that's why probably for you, you took it lightly.

Not swinging to extremes and striking the balance...seems to take forever. But I musn't give up trying, going to extreme does more damage than we can actually see.

We multiplied

2009-08-24T13:40:00.002+08:00

I only realized yesterday we just multiplied. Unlike most of the other cg members, I really...almost...completely feel nothing.

So as usual, I checked and ask myself: "why?"
"heart is dead?" - maybe
"no emotional attachment to cg members" - very likely
"Got used to multiplication" - most probably

I guess there are good and bad sides of it. The bad side is, it's making me like a terminator, only take orders and no feelings involved. While on the other side...
I can adapt anything quickly.

Afterall...

Doesn't matter to me, let's move on quickly. There are more important things to worry about.

TO Pray or not to Pray?

2009-08-11T09:38:00.002+08:00

When I first started this job...Although I was confident in this field of expertise, there are alot of things I wasn't sure. I was very insecure. I was so insecure, I had to pray to God everyday before I start work.

Today...I confident in what I'm doing and I know my stuff. I know and I know I can easily go through this day without even a single line of prayer. I got this job, and I know my stuff, why is there a need to pray?

But I'll always remember to pray before I work. Because I'll never forget it is because of God who made me who i am today. May I never stop praying, for the day stop praying, I forget who He is in my life.

To everyone else, you readers, have your prayer life declined when God gives you a certain measure of success or breakthrough? Since there's no need to pray anymore. That's a question to always and ALWAYS ask yourself.

Today's msg...

2009-08-09T22:07:00.000+08:00

Today...i could finally smile in my heart...

I felt lonely. Not when I'm outside, but when I'm in church.
When those who don't share the same passion as me during praise and worship.
It gets really lonely. Eventually I start to compromise as well.

I could finally smile, because that's something in my heart. I couldn't stir the rest of the members up with just my passion in praise and worship alone.
Pst Kong msg unlocked what was in my heart.
It's good to see them up and on fire again.
But...let's keep this going :)

Finally, a genuine smile from my heart.

Complains...complains and complains.

2009-08-08T08:45:00.000+08:00

Maybe I should have a secret blog and vent my deepest fears and sorrows plus complains down.
people just misunderstand...and people don't understand. hmm...

Well nevermind, that was the past. it was yesterday.
When all else fails, God always prevails.

More of Him, less of me.

Day 4...

2009-08-04T22:42:00.002+08:00

What should I say? Maybe the addiction of computer games has no longer a strong hold in my life. I didn't really feel like playing. Well...a little. Having a no-game fast is directly fighting against my strongest weakness. really thank God for grace and strength.

I'm really blur at work nowadays...is it because the lack of food? I must grow weaker and tap into God's strength in me more. More of Him, less of me. There's so much more for me to grow, I must continuously learn to tap into the potential strength God has placed in me.

Managed to get up at 630am to pray for these past 4 days. Which I couldn't do before, even after months of trying. I started well (as always), I continuously hope to faithfully finish this race.

I'm also getting in touch with 2 of my non-christian friends, let's just say they are now harder to reach than before. But with God, let all things be possible.

I'm slowly...building back my prayer life. Which is the main reason for my fast. Seeing what one of my friends is going through is making me more determined than before.

Aniversary Service...

2009-08-02T18:08:00.000+08:00

One phrase Pst Kong always said and have been consistent I remember...
Today he mention it again...

"Even if none of these have happened, we still give glory to God"

Wow....such faith. I wish I can.

Headache...Day 1...

2009-08-01T21:57:00.000+08:00

Finally the day is here....it's not really easy.
Looks like I spend too long time sitting down.
It's really hard to stand again.
This...
Will be a good start.

Relationships...relationships...The gal Peter wants.

2009-08-01T00:25:00.012+08:00

for most people...who see the exterior of me. always see me as joke joke, fun fun, luff luff, and sometimes quiet quiet, hardworking & enduring person.

For the few people...who are in my inner circle of friends (u need MY permit to get in.) they know I take things seriously. Especially things that has high consequences and effects. People from the most people group will not understand this nature of me, will usually think I'm too extreme (which I am sometimes). But really, it's because certain things such as choosing a life partner, some decisions in life can affect the whole course of your life. That is also the reason why, I almost and never show this side of me. I generally don't give advise, unless you are really interested for a change (for the better).

Humans being humans, get tempted from time to time to get into relationships. I'm no exception. People and friends who are non-christian seems to appeal to us better. I've learn and learnt, over many many years to exercise self-control when to cross the line, when to cut the line. Really by the grace of God. I still remember, there was once I ended a normal friendship just to avoid further complications.
You know what? There wasn't anything wrong with her really, it was something really wrong with me. I was losing my self-control day-after-day. It was a decision that I lose God and my prayer life to follow her...or win God and my prayer life and lose her.

And yah...I take this area with highest level of seriousness(i will never show this area to my normal group of friends)
I always look out for such MUST HAVE factors in my other-half:

1.Must be a Gal: I cannot imagine otherwise.

2. Christian: Be with a non-christian and try convert her after attached is a definite NO-NO. To me, getting attached I always check with God..then my leaders. To be with a non-christian risks me to being complacent in my walk with God, if I'm not careful, I get influenced out of church. Such things would definitely break the heart of God. I always and WILL ALWAYS put this into consideration. Some things never change: God is the One who brought me here to whom I am today.

3. If not of the same church, the church MUST be teaching sound doctrine.
If your with someone who is from church but teaching wrong doctrines....chances are...there will be I-influence-U, U-influence-me WAR. Well...I'm not going to gamble my prayer life and my walk with God over bgr. Being with someone who got conflicting believe system gonna run into alot of problems in future.
Even if of the same church...there are still some considerations...have you thought of.....
It would be really funny...on sundays...the guy goes to the church in the east....and the gal goes to the west....will there be a war of "my church is better than yours?" that still might seem ok....
how about after married? Eventually the husband OR the wife have to give way...

4. Maturity
Although I'm not against couples with huge age gap difference (10+years)....To me personally, it isn't really recommended. Here's a good reason: the level of maturiy is really different...conflicts arise...
THink about this...
gal 18...
guy 28...
Gal still in poly and goes to sch.
Guy goes to work faithfully everyday.
gal ends sch at 3pm
the gal is vibrant and full of energy
guy ends sch at 6pm. sometimes OT.
the guy is tired and exhausted after work.
Gal says "WHy you always work so late....u got no time to accompany me"
guy says "But I HAVE to WORK!"

Then u can see where this is going...
The reason why I need a mature girlfriend (not looking for SUPER mature but at least understanding) so I can save myself from explaining all the time. Having an immature girlfriend is like looking after a female child in children church! And Yes, if that would be the case, I would rather look after a group of children in children church.

5. Looks
Basically, most gals I see, look acceptable. SO that's okay with me.
Just don't let me catch u dig your nose. ha.

Lastly, what you read above, although some has biblical truths, mostly are based on my personal preference and conviction. So you DON'T have to follow MY CONVICTIONS. I always and will always believe, above preferences, bible truths must ALWAYS STAND.
Really, for me till I die, I don't mind being single, since I'm so used to single life already. To step into a relationship, is just a BONUS for me to experience Heaven on Earth.

Soon...

2009-07-26T17:07:00.000+08:00

Counting down...I'm really very determined to restore my prayer life. Even with 0 encouragement from anyone, cos it's my life, the way I want to live it. I gotta stand up on my own sometimes.

So coming 1st Aug, I'm going for 1 month Fast, 6-6 Food and no computer games fast.

Yah. I'm serious.

cogh and Cough and Cough

2009-07-23T14:06:00.001+08:00

Gosh....sick like a chicken. I'm coughing and barking like a chicken.

Actually...I've forgotten what I wanted to write. It happens all the time...so...

Let's forget it =)

Sickly Body

2009-07-19T16:19:00.003+08:00

I thought I was an iron man. For the past 2 years of my life. I almost got a 0 MC, 0 downtimes. Whenever there's a call for me, I'm there.

Then nowadays, I'm sick like a chicken. I'm not stressed out about my work really. More towards my family where my dad got retrenched.(My dad deserves the world's applause for working till 75!) In fact, I love my work, because it just happens to be my dream job (thank you God). This is the only job so far in my life that I can OT without complaining, even if you don't pay me more, I OT gladly.

Sigh...sick like a chicken...my age must be catching up with me.

Then my life is in a mess right now. Everything when something new comes in, my life goes INSTANTLY into a mess and I've to rearrange my life all over again. NEW family problem and reservist callups, just to name a few. Really sick of that, but then again, it's the cycle of life, I must and have to adjust to it.

My prayer life is TOTALLED. altar in rubbles. I was like "oh neo!". Recently, I was thinking about finding the right partner. Maybe...yes....maybe naw....I'll probbaly wait forever if I plan to wait for the perfect situation, that's why I learnt personally. It's really hard to find a partner that is willing to stay with you, espically you got problems in alot of areas. Espically right now I'm running into more and more problems! I solve some, and more comes! Is that about growing up? Then again, I'll be alright if I stay single for the rest of my life. Not a problem, I'll just find something else to fill that emptiness. Keeping myself busy should be good enough.

Afterall most important to me right now (and till the day I walk into the light!)
I just want my altar restored.
no 10%
not 50%
I WANT IT 100%!

Feels good

2009-07-04T08:37:00.001+08:00

It feels good to have cgm after a long long time. Glad to know everyone is doing okay.

Lover Of Being Alone.

2009-07-03T01:24:00.018+08:00

I really love being alone. Maybe because it's also my nature that dislikes responsibilities. Then again, most of my situations in my life that I cannot control, leaves me in this place. Such as working irregular hours; either I end late or early. Due to the nature of my job, I'm not drained out physically, I'm drained mentally. I've learn that you can easily regain your physical strength by sleeping/resting. It may not be so, if you are drained mentally. Financial security is another reason that I choose to prefer indoors. And Yes, I get very stressed out if I do not have $ in my bank. Yeah, I've been noticing myself that I'm pulling away from the cg for this reason. It'll be wise not to swing to the extreme, I need to catch up soon.

I'm not perfect, sometimes my heart will go nuts to have a urge for companionship. Which to me, is stupid of course. I'm just seeking to take, and not to give. Besides, I've no guarantee if I get out of being poor, it'll be very stressful for my other partner. Unless God gives me a miracle, haha.
Whew, just wish that God would completely remove that sickening "dying-for-a-campanion" feeling out of me. I want to be single-minded, and not double-minded in what I want to do. Or maybe because I'm sick and tired of trying to get into relationships, finding it a waste time and no time for the other. Having a partner would also increase my financial strain and make me stress out. Forced circumstances? Maybe. Blame God? Never! pointless even if I do so. It may be because I'm so used to being alone, and does not matter to me anymore.

I'm just waiting until november. Once it reaches that day, I'm shutting all doors. I'll be devoting myself to work/studies/planning and I would not consider relationships as my plan. And unleash my plans for studies/work/mission trips(that I've been planning now and then). I've sat down, measured and considered the cost. There are bonuses to being single, and disadvantages too. And vice versa.

Another thing off my mind, moving on. Whew, I've been slacking on my discipline nowadays. My boss reminded me. I must force myself be disciplined again!

Is there really such a thing call over-generous?

2009-06-29T22:32:00.004+08:00

I blew my pay. I barely survived. In fact I'm completely amazed at my generosity. I give till I almost had nothing left! My gosh, what happened to me? Did I give too much? Was I silly? Is it wrong to give? When is the limit? 100 dollars left? 200 dollars left? 10% left? 50% left?
But I learn 1 thing, people are never really satisfied, after you give, they'll probably forget it. And expects you to give again. I gave, I learnt an important lesson. Ah well, I gave it willingly. That's all it matters.

I suddenly thought about Jesus. You know it's pretty interesting. Everyone knows He does great miracles and really love the unloved. Man, that really deserved my worship. But if you read carefully, did he really have any breaks inbetween? Even when finally Jesus got to rest on the boat, storms blew and disciple shook Him awake. One town after another. When He's out to rest, a woman cried out to Him, alright healed! There you go! Then the children wanted to be near Him and hear His teachings. The disciples might have thought Jesus was really tired and wanted a rest. A small assumption on my part, Jesus heart must have moved for the children, his heart drove His mind and body to give to the children.

If children were to explain very simply how Jesus is I believe is this:
Jesus. Giver. Jesus tired, but give.

I'm so glad I'm single. I couldn't bear my other half to suffer a poor state like right now. I don't really feel miserable. In fact I'm quite happy, but I probably went overboard and overuse my gifting. :) Well, I decided to challenge myself. I'll be ultra stingy and super miser just this mth! To see how much I can save!

Matchsticks of a pair burns brightly...
Until November...
Will it be a pair of matchsticks left...
Or 1 alone?
What a mystery, that a struggle of the heart
When the heart drives the mind
It drives one to have Great Strength or sheer madness
Brings one to great heights, or one to utter destruction
That I wish God will let it depart from me forever...
So my mind will always remember
The One
May my heart stay, may my mind remember.
Never forget
The One
Who made me who I am today

Very close to losing everything

2009-06-06T16:24:00.000+08:00

ah....what shall I say? Life's getting more and more exciting, more and more interesting! Cool!

Something is seriously wrong.

2009-06-01T00:52:00.002+08:00

What on earth is wrong with my body nowadays? I could sleep from 7-12 hrs. Yet feel tired in the day. Have I been using my mind too much?

Today is a very bad day. Was in bed my head feels as if I took 100 sleeping pills. And even my legs hurt! It feels like I just ran 100000000000000000000KM. WHAT on EARTH did I DO WHEN I WAS SLEEPING?

Maybe I should tape it down.

Very FUnny. Haha.

2009-05-27T13:28:00.002+08:00

Why can't old generation people understand computers and stop being stubborn?
They are driving me to my grave...grrrrr....

WEll anyway, yesterday I had to bring an iFone home to configure advanced e-mail settings. I worked late into the night till 2am plus. It wasn't completed, I have to go down earlier to work (around 830am) to finalize everything.

Then my dad said, "Get to BED! Stop playing computer games! Don't you have work tomm?"
I reacted with 1 sentence instead of proactive. No details here, I ended up sleeping with a grumpy feeling, cos I was really working hard and stressed out.

Nevermind, move on. I still got more things to accomplish than to settle for petty agruements. Waste time.

You Never Know Enough.

2009-05-25T21:21:00.006+08:00

I always thought, I've been through the toughest hell after I gone through army. I was verbally abused, 1 vs 30+. It's really by God's grace I got out alive. It's not something a human could easily overcome. When I entered into working life, I thought nothing could be worse than that. I thought I was very tough.

I really thought wrong, there's a new kind of challenge out there. It's those who have their way with words to cause you to compromise your standards. It is very intelligent way of causing you to compromise. You won't compromise immediately, it first invades your mind, disguised as something very harmless. Then before you know it, you already compromised your standards. That is partly the reason why I'm so firm with myself now. When I make a decision, I make it fast(whenever possible) and stick to it (sometimes even it may be wrong, but I make the best out of it).

I've encountered alot of people, they are really harmless. Really. Really really really harmless, they meant no harm at all. But when they share their thoughts, I realized recently how dangerous it is. If I'm not careful, I begin to think like them. I must really train my mind to set boundaries.

Stand Firm, Once you make a Decision, never look back. Ever.

Updated (my life?)

2009-05-24T16:57:00.004+08:00

During the free time I have this wkend, I've more or less planned out my life. Prayed about it. The plan is there. I'm just waiting until november to bring my plans into action.

I planned to long. I thought I could come up with a perfect plan without any cons. I realized recently that no matter how you plan, there is no 'perfect' plan. You can the pros, and the cons together as a package.

I've planned out 2 directions I could take in november. Of course there are pros and cons to both paths. But the cons that I'm absorbing is manageable. 5 more mths to go then.

P.S: I've also created another blog. It's not a new blog, just an extention of my current blog. Focusing on IT related stuff. I'll cover on tips like extend your battery life. Maximizing your desktop/ laptop performance etc.! Look for the link at the Links menu to the left!

Passion...

2009-05-22T00:35:00.002+08:00

Hmm...I really got passion for computers. For many, computers are something to be feared. To me, I definitely disagree. Computer isn't something to be feared, it is to be configured, and fully utilized to serve our needs.

That's why I find it offensive (personally) when a computer performs wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy below standard. I really find it really offensive. A fast computer not able to perform at its full potential upsets me so much, sometimes I'm willing repair/cleanup the pc for free.

I've been thinking of coming up with my own personal techie website that help normal users to fully ultilize their pcs. I've been thinking about it, but I need room, space and time to bring my thinking to reality. Boss can you read this? Heavenly Boss, can you hear my prayer?

Here's something to think about:
Don't you think God is the same? What happens if we didn't live up to a full potential?
Could that ALSO be the reason Christ came?
I may be passionate for different things, but still it reflects the Glory of God in another way.

I thought I was tough

2009-05-21T00:28:00.002+08:00

Man, I'm tough. Really tough. Ultra and super determined to work, I managed to held back my sickness by my sheer willpower plus prayer. I managed to endure working till I recover. Must becareful not to neglect my prayer life.

Haha, maybe it's because I detest falling sick. I just hate to be sick and do nothing. To me, I don't like to rest when there's work outstanding. Yet I love rest when work is done =)

Power of willpower. Strong indeed.

Keep forgetting my thoughts.

2009-05-19T09:10:00.004+08:00

My age must be catching up with me. Although my mind is constantly in thoughts, whenever I reach home, I tend to "throw everything" away. So I couldn't remember what I was suppose to blog about.

You know on sunday...a group of faithful...willing servants who are willing to get their hands dirty and serve what most people wouldn't like doing: Cleaning up children church balls - whole 10,000 of them. (I heard the latest was 8000, 2000 were taken away due to overwhelming numbers)

We were fellowshipping...but most of the time I was in thoughts... I was thinking...
What am I doing here? Aren't I suppose to be doing something more worthwhile? Doing something greater?
Yet, strangely, in fact...I like it alot...in fact I like it so much I don't mind doing this for the rest of my lifetime. It was this feeling: a peaceful and happy feeling.
I remember and I thought what pst Kong meant when he said: "I don't mind to be a door keeper for God for the rest of my lifetime"
Today (sunday), I finally understood with my heart the deeper meaning of that sentence.

Hmm...I better close this window FAST. I don't look professional if I'm blogging.

Day 1nce again.

2009-05-18T06:41:00.002+08:00

Just finished praying to God...

Was kinda strange, cos throughout the prayer alot of thoughts were flashing through my mind. I keep trying and trying to push my thoughts to the left and to the right. I was abit offended because it was as if I'm worshiping my ideas instead of God. I ended up sharing my ideas with God, which was indeed a better way than trying to shut my brain down.

I did abit of self-reflection yesteryday. Although my hands was occupied, my mind was constantly thinking. That I spent half-my-life trying to figure out how do I change my attitude, I should have made a decision to change 3 things instead: my mindset, develop my habits and my actions. I have also realize my heart and mind don't really agree with each other.
Every time I make a decision, my mind said yes, but my heart will sway left and right thinking "did I make the right decision or not?"and always afraid to make mistakes. I've decided to make it a point to be a firm decision maker. Let my YES be YES, my NO be NO. I don't care even if I make a wrong decision. At least I make it a point to be FIRM.

That being said, I must also be wise in my decision making. I've no idea how to make it right, except to pray and think carefully before I make a decision.

Interesting Intesting Intesting.

2009-05-14T21:52:00.006+08:00

You know...being an IT guy nowadays almost cover every ground.
From servers, to movers, to desktops, to laptops, to iphones.
From knowing nothing about phones, I'm almost a master of phone configuration. I didn't realize I became a master until someone told me:
"Eh you quite familiar hor?"
"Yah.......got used to it"

Above picture is the result of spyware scan. Quite alot hor? This isn't a record. I've seen a user who got 4000+ Spyware/Malware/Trojan in his pc! Insanity! I happen to find out (without him telling me) that this guy installed the "UNOFFICIAL" version of MSN MESSENGER 8.0! I was like "LOL!" on the inside.
Seriously, IT people don't really fix problems that came out of nowhere.
The Honest and sad truth is (sorry guys/gals):
We are fixing the mistakes the Users make.

Lesson learn: My dear friends, don't anyhow click any link or download any software if you are unsure of his source. If possible, check its source. In the above case, go to the official website and download! If all else fails, don't download/click the link at all! Stop clicking on the links that your msn friends msg you "I SAW YOUR NAKED PICTURE, CLICK bla bla bla LINK!"

The below story is all from my imagination, any references to names/events is STRAIGHTLY CONINCIDENTIAL

me: "Wow, got sweets!"
Colleague: "Hmm."
me: "I'll take 1!"
Colleague: "That won't do"
me: "Then how many?"
Colleague: "If we can't win them, take them ALL."

When Time Stops....

2009-05-14T00:00:00.007+08:00

I'm real bezee nowadays. Servers are alright, but attending to users is enough to pack my whole day. My colleague is really right about something, he mention to me before "IT is something you cannot easily forget, even after you "Officially" leave work"
He's really right. Even after work, I would think about how the company computers are doing, what needs to be follow up.

Bezee. The perfect excuse to run away from life. The perfect excuse to run away from everything. Or that's what I thought, then I was thinking again. Was it my choice? Can I turn it away? Not much, can't turn down. Their satisfaction are my salary. Talk about pleasing people. Awww.....

So busy, I couldn't even pray and keep my exercise schedule. I thought I could keep up the habit, but now as the schedule changes suddenly, everything in my world crumbles, except my work. Which must be consistent. I reached home, an hr later I have to sleep already, the next morning, I realize I didn't sleep enough (5hrs++) can only do a ultra short prayer before heading for work. My old prayer and exercise schedule doesn't work anymore, I've to come up with a new one.

I'm glad I can "rest" my mind when I'm traveling from one site to another. Like a child, my mind would wander...
thinking about the sweetness of BGR if I could start during my secondary sch days...
thinking about my MAZDA with my ultra-cool sun glasses...
thinking about should I stay single or not. I can bypass alot of responsibilities as a parent and spend more on myself...
Doing a self-evaluation about how I'm doing so far..
Alot more things are running through my mind...
I wish I could run away from all that.
I really pray God will put an end to stop my hormones from running wild.
I really pray God will gimme super ultra strong self-control.
I really pray God that I will stop complaining and look at myself and be thankful.
I really pray God will put at end to my cowardliness and stop running away from people.
I really pray God will put at end to my unstable anger impulses.
I really pray God will put at end to my heart feeling loneliness and tell myself automatically that Jesus and Holy Spirit is always around.
I really pray God will bless me more than enough financially so that we can always eat "Big" and with ALL my cg members happily all the time.
I really pray God will give me more room beyond my work, so that I can pray+play+evangelize+meet ALL the members at the same time.

Alot of things running through my mind, maybe not everything, randomly from the list above. But time seem to freeze when I start thinking about God.....it's like looking back...if God didn't save me from my path of doom...where would I be today? I could have stop studying and settled for a lifeless production job paying no more than 1.2k/mth. Or as a sweeper which my mum always nag at me about when I was younger. Instead of many friends, I would have many enemies since I always have a temper problem and a critical attitude towards people.

...I was like wow...thank God. Thank You Jesus, where would I be without you? Your the one who empowers and remove powers. At Your Word, situations and worlds change! Because of You, a path set for destruction turned into a path of hope. It may be small to me, but You became my reason for living.

You know what? What I said was nothing new. In fact in the bible someone had a similar experience. Time slowed down for him when he mention God too! Read about this in one of Max Lucado books, it's something like this:

Being a King isn't easy isn't it?
Plenty of admin...
Some complains here and there...
Thinking about his wifes...(having more than 1 isn't a good thing afterall)
Thinking about his children.. (I've lost count how many children he got)
Reading through reports of the state...military affairs...
THEN. The time froze.
Leaning on the back of his chair...he start to think when he was younger, he was a shepherd boy. Nothing really much to worry about, just playing with the lambs and singing a song to God with his harp. Wasn't really thinking or worried about his future. He's just happy...really joyful...enjoying his relationship with God.
Looking at himself now...He's a King now. Power, Fame, Wealth all at his reach.
Seemed like yesterday he was a shepherd boy.
Then he starts to think:
"Where would he be without God?"

No wonder King David is a man after God's heart.

No matter how busy your life is. Slow down and thank God.
He understands how busy you are.
I'm sure God will return a smile when you give a simple word of "Thanks"

Man....sleepy...wanna run.

2009-05-12T00:05:00.001+08:00

Yea the title says it all.

What Am I thinking?

2009-05-09T23:49:00.002+08:00

Why can't I make up my mind? At a moment I want this, determined that I want this. Then after awhile...I didn't want it that way! What on earth? Grrr....this is really upsetting...I just detest the unstable self! God help me!

awww...my right eye....painful since morning I woke up...
Hope I'll recover tomorrow morning...I don't wanna look like a parrot!
I MEAN PIRATE!

Peter The Rambo

2009-05-07T22:52:00.002+08:00

I really played the Rambo today. For all the IT support in singapore today (as my colleagues+boss are overseas) are handled by me today. Thank God there isn't any urgent calls throughout the day. It's really a miracle.(over 10+ companies in Singapore!!!)

Still, I'm extremely busy. Just when I thought I could leave at 3pm. I got held back by a last min urgent issue. I am almost a MASTER at phone configuration by now. I got busy till 6pm and it isn't resolved. I have to follow up tomorrow morning. Had to skip lunch to keep up the work!

Since I tend to push myself to the end, it's really hard to balance my heart and my work. I'm learning and practicing balancing now. Cool...

Oh oh! Today I scare the hell out of the office people today! I forgot to tune down my notebook volume last night. So when I enter the office and startup my computer. it gave a ULTRA LOUD "MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Which was my customized Windows Start Up sound.
Kinda funny to you, it wasn't so pleasing to the office people today.
Gotta be careful next time...

War in The Soul

2009-05-06T22:50:00.002+08:00

DIdn't the bible mention the body has a soul and the souls has strongholds in it? I feel like going through one right now.

You know...previously it wasn't like this. My walk with God was routine, my work was enjoyable. Then recently I beginning to enjoy my walk with God, it wasn't routine, it was growing...although ultra super duper slow. But my work is Nuts right now! What hasn't happen before (server crashes!) happens now. When server crashes! The whole office will look at 1 guy! (me...who else!) It may look kinda funny...well...it's abit funny why this happen.

Maybe the devil didn't really like that I'm enjoying my walk with God? Well, not that I really care about him...well that means God is planting me in this season to grow.(How can I refuse? I'm so bored with my work already.)

Tommorrow ALL my colleagues are overseas including my boss! I'm in Singapore ALONE! Yes ALONE! An indirect way to die tomorrow would be: Me getting calls from all directions of Singapore. ...No~~~~~!....Not fun at all!

Better relationship with God= give rise to war in stronghold(soul) = non-stop buzyness = growth on the inside.

Weird Dream...

2009-05-05T06:43:00.003+08:00

Today I woke up @ 557am...few mins earlier than my alarm clock(at 6am). I woke up from a nightmare, it's not really a terrible one. I saw myself in a camp, preparing to fight a war with Japanese in world-war2 era. If you think it's complete nonsense, that's what I woke up thinking also! Come to think of it, I don't have passion for war, in fact I hate wars. People suffer and get killed as a result of war.

Hmm...come to think of it, recently things around me start to change. The situation didn't get better (in terms of work), it just got worse (I got busier). No No, I'm not complaining, it's really good. I hate to slog around in office waiting for the sky to fall. I rather do something more productive and make myself useful.

It's kind of strange...let me explain. I've been working hard and pushing myself to the limit in order to get more opportunities to do more. The opportunities doesn't seem to even come close. Just only recently, I thought and realized, actually it's not really how strong we are, but how strong God is. Things then start to change almost instantly. It then makes me think...It's not really we are waiting for God, God is actually waiting for us. The decision we make today, opens the door for tomorrow.

Another Rock to climb

2009-05-04T22:16:00.004+08:00

I admit I'm an extreme person. Of course I know and I'm trying to improve. Please be patient with me. God is not finish with me yet. :)

Whenever I hear bad feedback about me, I always take it to the extreme and want the 'cure' immediately. Of course some times you can apply instantly, but some things takes time.

Having relationships with people always give you privileged information. Today I had an interesting conversation with my colleague after work over dinner. I thought I was good, after that, i realized I'm not good enough. I didn't have alot of complains, just a few. My 'extreme' nature starts to act up abit and desires to push it down to 0.
I'm thankful for prayer, I'm thankful for God. I told God in my heart I don't want to push myself all the way, leaving God behind. This time, God make me better your way, I'm not here to please everyone. I'm really thankful to God, finally through God I'm finally able to put my worst weaknesses under some control. Forgiveness isn't really a problem for me, since I tend to forget pretty quickly. I nearly cried on my way home alone, because a non-christian outdo me pretty easily, and I'm still so weak. Then I must remind myself, negative feedbacks are really necessary for personal growth.

Now when I think about it...I really changed. Not alot, very very little bit.
That isn't the best thing.
The best thing is:
"I know God is here for me"

Adventures of an IT guy (Day 1-Day 5)

2009-04-27T20:56:00.011+08:00

I'm really lazy to post today...burnt out until chao ta today.
This week only, I'm not going to post anything but my updates will be occupied by:

Adventures of an IT Guy!
Link Here! - Part 1
Link Here! - Part 2
Link Here! - Part 3
Link Here! - Part 4
Link Here! - Part 5

Really like this new heart!

2009-04-26T17:57:00.003+08:00

Finally, the never-stopping, fast paced, hyper heart came to a slow halt. I really like and prefer the way it is now...I'm not that "gan zhong" for things or makes things happen. Thanks to a very good friend of mine (you know who you are), finally I realize where went wrong. Did a U-turn and moved on. If not it'll probably go on forever...

Today's service is great. I just get very distracted by the persistent usher....VERY persistent. Had fault on my part for not asking them to sit all in and leave 2 empty seats at the sides instead of middle. Lesson learnt.

For today I tried to connect my heart while praising and worshiping. Turns out quite bad, I become more distracted. Probably I'm still not used to it yet. I think it's a good start and I'll improve from here. For a very long time, I finally able to put not just my $, but also my heart in the offering! Give and believe. Really a sacrifice, to tears. But somehow I can believe it's no problem with this week.(getting pay next week) I use to give and disconnect my heart, isn't really a good thing since that isn't giving with faith.

I think that's all for today! I wanna rest up and go jogging again tomm morning! I've been punishing my hand muscles but my legs muscles need to work out!

My graduation letter finally came. Register by 2nd May to attend the ceremony on 21st May...nah, I think i'll pass. Troublesome. I just get my diploma will do.

Master Piece!

2009-04-26T00:29:00.008+08:00

I just finish my master piece! Take a look here!
Anyone wanna try guess how many stars are there inside this jar?

Today's Work!

2009-04-25T18:23:00.007+08:00

Today I have to work! My job today is to tie cables!

Me: Does it look like magi me to you?
My colleague: "You do not have to EAT it, you have to TIDY it."

front view (left), rear view (right)

And...finally after 3 mins of cooking....
Top view(left), bottom view(mid), full view(right)

That's it! Don't you enjoy cooking instant noodles? (IT style)

Bintan Resorts Indonesia! (for work!)

2009-04-24T23:13:00.000+08:00

This is da boat I ride on and the inside...

This is my office(Just kidding. I run around so I have no fixed location) &
On the right is an ancient printer you wouldn't find in singapore anymore:

And outside my office is this huge bird that got a name! Hey Mr. Eagle, aren't you hot?"
The Cafe below sells Haagen Dazs ice cream!

What have they done to the tree? (left)
Smile man! Welcome to Indonesia! :) (right)

Saw that? I'm going to walk through this without anyone stopping me! muahahhaha! (Right)

Lunch Time!
(left) That's my lunch (seafood fried rice). Proudly sponsored by my boss
(right) I ate really fast, cos this guy has been staring at me throughout my lunch experience

Hello Kitty would have been proud.

Home!
(left) Okay! I'm done here! Let's go home together!
(right) Wait!!!!!!!!!!!! Where's da boat?

Oh there you are.... and that's my boss.

Finally, some random shots:
Their 7-Eleveen! Cool Eh!? (Left)
VIP! Stayed here for awhile before we got up the ferry! (right)

Ladies & Gentlemen...it's all part of the plan...

Maybe I need a non-spiritual buddy.

2009-04-23T16:30:00.006+08:00

Glad I was cool in my heart since morning. Still some residues left behind. Maybe I need someone who isn't so spiritual, who can accept my anger outbursts. Leaders/seniors will not qualify, since I'm not suppose to burst in front of them, out of respect.

Dinner is provided, anyone wanna sign up? (Closed, thanks.)
Those were the days I wish I could find a restaurant that I could cry and eat without anyone watching (why are you crying?)

I was there sitting down...thinking why was I upset?
Upset with my life? - Not really. Is there anything to be upset about?
Upset with my finances - No point. Was upset, nothing much now. SO nope.
Upset with my friends? - what is there to upset about?
Upset with myself? - for what? Nope
Upset with my parents - nope
So I just went down for no particular reason? Nonsense, what a waste of my own time. I quickly finish my dinner, spend a dollar in the arcade and went home.

Ended up going home really tried. Kind of a good thing, gives me no room to think, only room to sleep. Besides I have to wake up early to catch my 9am Ferry. (it doesn't mean I can reach there @ 845 am, I have be there @ 8am). So I slept really early (forgot the time)

Some things are not just meant to be. No matter how sad or how down, will never change a situation. It's even pointless and meaningless to be sad or down. Adds no value. Then again, wish I could be like a switch and 'flip' myself into "feeling better".

Walk out? Pointless, it's a repeat of a vicious cycle?
give up? possible, it just makes the situation worse.
tell my friends? Nah, they're too busy to even reply my sms. Besides to some people, I cannot really always show my "full" self.
Just move on and do what I'm doing seems logical. Besides, I should be thinking about my work tomorrow.

So. I told myself. Just like Jesus, I'll not ask God to take it away. If it is here for a reason (since no matter how long I beg, it doesn't seem to go away). I'll not ask God to take it away, let it glorify your name. Just gimme the strength to pass through it.

*PS* For goodness sake, my dear friends- Don't be a fanatic and think I need major help or counseling. I'll BE ALRIGHT AFTER 1-2 DAYS! Goodness. Some people react as if I was going to end my life. God save me. I MEAN God save THEM.

Gone BonkuS!

2009-04-22T17:22:00.015+08:00

...man...
really hate to give too much.
first...my precious pc. two of them. out of my house.
okay nvm...at least I get to keep my notebook, although it isn't really suitable for games.
soon, my 1st hammy went away.
Next...my 1-fruit went missing, not found.
then...disappointments in sch, in outreaches. 0 as of today! What a record! so much for trying!
came my 2nd hamster. Could finally smile
then finally saw some light in my job.
then before I know it, it's all gone. I couldn't even spend for clothes.
plus my demanding mum, drives me to my grave.
Then my 2nd hamster went away! My hamster couldn't even live her 1st birthday!
Isn't my tears and broken heart for my hamster enough?
Then I have to fight with myself not to blame God, could only blame myself (who else?)
Then now I'm at my end, left with this.
Less than what I have enough to tithe through the mth. ONLY TRANSPORT, means I'll fast 1 full mth! How COOL IS THAT!
Yet...it is fair, because it all belongs to You in the first place.
You might as well take everything I have, than to slowly take 1 by 1. At least I don't have to suffer for so long, just 1 painful shot.
Too bad I can't choose.
Horray God! Take everything! in 1 instant. I plead, let it not prolong for even a second.
Have to smile and keep going with a stake in my heart! WOW!
God, how can I do that? The last time I checked, I'm a human!?

What are the chances of a miracle?
: Boss would give a bonus? - would that happen in the middle of a year?
: people give me a cheque or lump sum of $? - Craziness. why would people want to do that?
: money fall from heaven? - It doesn't even rain donuts, let alone $.
: Found stack of $? - HAHAHAHAHAHA
: Strike 4d/TOTO? - conflicts with my belief, DUH.
: Parents - possible?
: E-mail says you won a million - yaaaaaaa. RIGHT! I have to deposit $100k first right?
: R0b a bank? - I couldn't even hold a banana well, let alone a gun/ knife.
: Long lost relative... - I wouldn't even consider
: an angel to the rescue! - I might mistake for a fake & pluck the feathers on his wings

Forgive me guys, I'm ranting like Job in the bible. Unless you really understand, then you'll know how I'm so angry. I'll cool down after this.

From Bintan Resorts and bACK!

2009-04-21T21:14:00.004+08:00

Today I've to make a trip down to another site of bintan(different from my previous trip) on last minute notice (11pm last night) with my Towkay (boss). Interesting...some sites looked really beautiful, regretful that I didn't bring my camera phone with me (when I was going luncH). Nevermind! I'll be heading down again on friday! THis time I gonna take lots of pictures.

Fellowshipping with my boss is pretty interesting. Talked to him and found out more about his love life with his wife and initial stages of relationships. Not going to go into details, it's privacy. But it's so simple, enough to cause me to fall back on my chair! He did share some personal experience which is practical and useful to me.

When he asked about me, I said "Ugly, no chance. That gal got long queue, have to get ticket number" He laughed and said, "Dun worry, nowadays there are cases of ugly guys and sexy and beautiful ladies" (I laughed! OPPS!).

Even when we got off the ferry and into Bintan,
Boss: "Look, there is the ugly guy and the beautiful lady"
Me: "Then, I'll go over and tell him, your gf is beautiful, but your ugly"(OW! so mEAN!)
Me: "Have you got life insurance for me? I might not live after saying that"
Boss: "Don't worry, He'll say: "Your right!"
We both laughed.

Time to rest, Friday I'm going to take pictures with my phone! Lots of it!

Morning Prayer!

2009-04-21T20:55:00.002+08:00

I was really desperate for a breakthrough, I must put an end to this "Extreme" attitude and feeling. It's driving me bonkus!

Woke up @ 530am. Immediately get out of bed and went on my knees and kept praying in tongues. I'm so determined, I told myself I'll not stop praying until 730am!

6am: took a break, drink some WA-TA, and turn on the lights (these are one of the rare occasions where I fear the dark). Started to rain, pacing up and down in my room, almost shouting in tongues and raving like a madman.
620am: Felt scared for some reason, but kept praying in tongues, confess the name of Jesus
640am: started to rain heavily. My fast pacing around the room started to slow down to a pace of a zombie, still determined, I kept praying in tongues but slowed my walking pace.
7am: Almost ran out of strength to pace around the room, tried to close the windows. TOo stuffy to breathe, desperate and kept praying.
710am: Really cannot take it, sat down on bed and rest (while speaking softly in tongues)
725am: Fell asleep, woke up.

Then came my mum screaming it's close to 8am! Then I was like = !_!
What on earth? It was only 730am on my clock!
Then I noticed I woke up with the right time (my handphone)
but I followed the wrong clock (da clock @ my bed)
So, I've been praying for past 2hrs and 45mins! WOW! Since when's the last time I'm so desperate for God for a breakthrough?

I like work!

2009-04-20T21:17:00.006+08:00

I love my job, because it is my dream job and I don't have to stick to boring 8-5 timing. I can start as late as 10am, work as late as 11pm. In work, I'm able to leave everything behind, including my heartfelt feelings which I have no answers.

That's what I noticed recently, this job has become a drug to me. Using work to numb my heart. Works well for awhile, it bursts out when I end work. Wish I could work till I'm soooooooooooooooo tried that I will think of nothing else but sleep.

I detest my unstable self, why can't be stable? I want to be the a solid rock like PETER! As if that isn't worse, these days I'm becoming more and more unstable! GOSH! and every morning, I'm praying like a mad man. God when are you going to give me the 'CURE?' Are you planning to leave me like that? So that people around me will see me sink into insanity?

This is definitely not the time to go into relationships, I don't think I can even meet my friends. I'm going bonkus! muahahahhahahaha!

just how much longer? how much more prayers?

Sleeping Forever

2009-04-19T22:12:00.003+08:00

This week, I got the most number of emotional outbursts. Can't stop thinking, couldn't force my heart to listen. Have to keep praying and praying and praying to subject my mind and heart under control.
Why can't my heart listen? All I want is to become stronger and protect others, why do you sway? I never really understand psalms 86, until today:

Psalm 86:11
Teach me Your way, O LORD;I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name.

Today, I took a nap in the afternoon. Had a good sleep, since a long time I really had a good sleep. No phone calls, no commitments, no friends, no nothing. Just rest. Wish I could sleep forever and never wake up again. Reality is hard to face. Commitments, worries, future. I love my life, I just want to sleep forever so I don't have to plan for the future.

God, grant my wish. I want to sleep forever. Let nothing wake me up.

CHildren churchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh RULES!

2009-04-18T20:54:00.002+08:00

Today managed to spend more time in prayer in the morning. I think it's great, I just dislike restricting my time with God because of work. And today I report to my ministry later @ 1130am.

Felt really bad today, it was my first time with this bus, and without informing the bus leader, I took charge of the bus, and lead the kids to games. Felt really bad, I'm going to apologize to bus leader later.
Service was kind of great...I'm doing things that I don't usually do in normal service, such as twirling, dancing in the service.(honestly, I'm glad my cg members didn't see me, what would they say! WOW?) While I was doing half-way, Pst Eileen came down to the stage during the praise song and ask me to go behind to build atmosphere(which was more challenging, cos the crowd is more 'dead' there). I went without replying to her (oPPS! felt very bad). What was interesting is, after the service, during dismissal, this kid from the bus came to me and say "Can I follow you?" when I told the kids to follow the bus leader. Interesting. can 1 encounter with the kids create such an impact? chills me to the bones.

I gonna rest up early today! I wanna practice guitarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr with minxunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Please get well sooooooooooooooooooooooon! EAT APPLE OKAY!

Lots of thoughts...

2009-04-17T23:05:00.003+08:00

lots of thoughts are racing through my mind, like squirrels in my head, racing up and down.

Today at office was pretty interesting. On top of doing the usual stuff plus a few extras, managed to chat with a dis-interested worker.

"life is not exciting"
"O, why don't you come to church? It's pretty exciting"

my next thought was, "OPPS! how did I go into that? oh well, might as well go with the flow. In the end I found that she was interested and say she'll contact me when she is able to come. Wow? just like that? I didn't give myself much hope because of my past disappointment, but I'll just stay in contact with her since it's an open door.

Today cell group is pretty interesting. When's the last you encountered God? Close? I still remembered the first time Junjie took me in when I was nothing, no one was really interested in Junjie then, I just just one of the few 'hungry' people who is willing to settle for anything. The next moment I know, I was so close to God, it is as if God is just a breath away, I still remember the worship song we sang today, was exactly the song I sang during church- I lift up my hands, and I could feel energy through my hands, God touching my heart. So close....so close. I never been that close ever since I took it for granted.

Thought I could bring it back again today; same song, same gesture gave everything I had with loudness and desire. Nope...I thought to myself...awww...expected. Once you miss it, you could never get it back again. I took it for granted in the first place, so it's fair I get what I deserve today. Of course I still believe God is a good God, I'm thankful for his peace and presence. But it'll never be the same again. Never.

Sigh...just move on. Regardless I'll hit that "point" or not. Life is not all about feelings. Have it or not. I'll move on. Even if I have to grind my teeth to move a step forward. I want to be strong, I desire to be STRONG. So that I can protect others.

I'm so extreme these days...better keep away from people...hahaha.

Day 4..........Sleepishness

2009-04-16T21:35:00.002+08:00

I could wake up @ 530am. But my lazy bones got the better off me, I ended up sleeping till 730am. No Bible, No prayer, no exercise. I ended up praying on my way to work.
Come to think of it...it is really hard to consistently pray (whenever I encounter something), it is really hard. Usually when I reach then I go "Opps!" then I started praying while working on the solution at the same time. It's gonna be practice upon practice for me.

Was kinda exciting at work today. Finally there's some "action". Recovered a server that went down, did data recovery, create an account for notebook, open cpu casing to check the ram. This is the only job (so far) that I'll gladly OT without complains.

No bible updates...

Grace Results in Grace

2009-04-15T22:06:00.003+08:00

Great! Managed to wake up @ 530am, did my usual prayers and went for jogging @ 7am.

Finally, I got some work that kept me busy the whole afternoon. ALso managed to catch up with my colleague in the morning! He said he wanted to bring a T-shirt and flex his muscles in the office! Whuahahhahahaha!

Was reading through John 8 today...the first 10+ verses talks about some pharisees caught a woman in adultery (Strangely, where's the man? They caught the woman, not the man? can 1 commit adultery by himself/herself?)

I really loved the way Jesus handled this situation. Just when about the pharisees and the people puff their chest up with pride and ready their stones for the throw, Jesus said "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first" (John 8:7)

Wow...suddenly all of them remembered they aren't perfect afterall, they immediately deflate the air of pride in their chest and went away(quickly!). The woman receive grace and mercy in that instant, and was pardoned. She received grace, though the in the latter chapters, she isn't really mentioned, I believe she became a carrier of grace, sowed and spread the seeds of grace further. Isn't grace sweet? The most beautiful thing about grace is, people around you become sweet!

Two leaders - Jesus & Pharisees, are in the power of leadership,
one choose to use his power (authority) to forgive and empower her to move on.
another choose to use his power to broadcast her deeds and as if that wasn't bad(& embarrassing) enough; force her to a road with no alternatives and straight to hell.
Next time when you are in a position of power to forgive, Choose to forgive and release the person, because you have make a difference in this world by adding a flower to this world. Those who are bath in the aroma of flowers will smell like a flower.

Grace is given not because of what you deserve, but because what you need to move on with your life.(N119 find this familiar?)

2nd Day....Snooze

2009-04-14T09:30:00.009+08:00

Today I nearly dissolved to nothingness. There was almost nothing to do in the office. I know you out guys say that I'm lucky, but I detest it. I hate doing nothing! No Growth, no productivity! What a waste of time! So I spend most of the time checking straits times and tech news, trying to memorize them.

Will be spending time in the evening with min xun to catch up on the upcoming performance.

Was reading pass John 7, something caught my attention...was..quite funny. Take a look here:
John 6:26 Jesus answered them and said, “Most assuredly, I say to you, you seek Me, not because you saw the signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled.

then...further down the verse...

John 6:30 Therefore they said to Him, “What sign will You perform then, that we may see it and believe You? What work will You do?

saw it? Let me emphasize for you:

John 6:26 Jesus answered them and said, “Most assuredly, I say to you, you seek Me, not because you saw the signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled.
John 6:30 Therefore they said to Him, “What sign will You perform then, that we may see it and believe You? What work will You do?

There. Obvious enough. These are the people who followed Jesus, saw the 5 loaves and 2 fish feeding 5000 and Jesus repeat in words to them. They SAW & HEAR it and why would they ask what sign would Jesus perform? Possible reason could be here:

John 6:26b because you saw the signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled.

Is it because they are so filled and "drunk" with themselves after their needs were met, that they forgot it's the hand of God in their lifes? Ah. Put this in our today's context.
- Your breakfast on the table
- your job that gave you a salary
- your church
- your rest time

Have we filled ourselves so much(and get so used to) that we forgotten to thank God, that is the hand of God in our lives?

- Remember the days you have nothing to eat?
- Remember the days you cried day and night, worried if you got a job to feed yourself & your family?
- You remembered the one who brought you to church, help you to become who you are today?
- Have you thank God that He put His hand into your life to stop the work from overwhelming you?

2 verses. Could remind me of something call gratitude. Awesome.
Repeat this after me: Jesus is soooooo COOL!

Day 1 again.

2009-04-13T18:52:00.005+08:00

Today was kind of unexpected.
Went for work, doing normal server routine checks.
Any issues? I asked.
"no" (was playing game)

another place
Any issues?
"Come, sit down and taste this sliced raw mango"

Then a call from my colleague
"U know this place? go down, user got Black screen"
~~"just ask them to repaint the screen"~~

had sponsored lunch (when I'm eating with bosses, they always pay)
On my way out to hail a cab, walk pass a line of cars. One of them was alpha romeo.
Was imagining the sound of engine "VRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrOOOOOOOM"
- Wanted to buy Mazda Car.
- Thought about my pay (look down in sadness)
- Looked at my wallet (Awwwwwwwww...)
- Looked at my bank account (nearly cried)
- Reach out to the car in prayer (smiled)

Hailed a cab, went down @ 2pm.
Open the CPU casing...check...nothing wrong.
seems funny...unpluck and plug into another monitor. works.
monitor spoil? pluck back again. nothing wrong. seems normal.
did a virus scan & spyware scan. Found nothing.
Everything...magically solved. must be becos of prayer.
ended. @ 330pm.

gave a colleague a call ask if I could go over and help
"Go Home & slp la! Dun ka zhiao mi!" (both of us laughed)

Then another colleague:
"I go nothing for you, no need standby anymore, just go home and rest"

Visited northpoint and went popular store, wanted to buy paper stars to fold, couldn't stand the girlish enviroment (was pink everywhere), left quickly. Visited a computer shop, found a close buddy I used to have working at a computer shop. Talked a little promised to meet up after his work. Said I was very shuang to end work so early. reached home @ 5pm.

Tried to spend time alone. Tv loud. After 30mins(I think, didn't check) nearly fell asleep. Tried the bible, wanted to dig further. The result was: Read...ZZzz...Read..ZZzz..Read..ZZzz..Read..ZZzz..

Maybe I start to realize myself. I don't really like to rest, take off or take leave. I like to work, I like to work hard. Maybe it's because I hate to do nothing. Is it because I'm still young and got plenty of energy to burn? Maybe I've yet to discover myself.

What happened?

2009-04-12T20:29:00.005+08:00

Today during Easter drama...I was watching...strangely...and very strangely...I felt nothing...it's only towards the end I felt something...but throughout the drama...no tears...no nothing...I asked myself is Jesus still my Saviour? No...I didn't mean the standard answer "Yes, and I love God". From my heart, is Jesus really my Saviour? Do I still love Jesus? During the part when Jesus said "All things come to those who believe" and the daughter came back to life...immediately in my heart I shouted "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE MY HAMSTER A CHANCE?" I got questions, but no answers. I'm still waiting for God for an answer, even if have to stay alive and wait for an answer. Something is really wrong with my heart. I need to pray...pray even more than before...

I was really glad to earn a profit of $45 from fixing a computer outside of my job. I work really really hard to earn it; Went to sim lim square to purchase the components, went down his house twice, first to check, second time to install the components. All that out of my rest time. Really didn't want to go. But I needed the extra $45 to tide through the month. after tithe/transport. left $20. On the same day evening when I just got the $, a cake is needed. Everything I have goes into it. My wallet goes really empty, flip it upside down, nothing comes out. Felt really funny, very funny. so funny I laugh at myself.

Then came lunch time, each one has 1 piece, and leaving 1 big piece, the guy didn't give a 2nd thought and dump the last piece away. Wish I could stop him in time and saying "please don't take it for granted". I really don't mind nor do I care if I have alot...but that was my everything. That's why it's painful...what that guy did added insult to my pain.

I'm not really angry or upset anymore. If it's for cg, then that's it. Period, I let go. It's just that personally for me I cannot stand when something costs everything to you is taken for granted. Aww...it's new friend, forgiven. Easter...what a perfect senario and what a perfect day to forgive.
Move on Guanjin. SMILE :)

Great day! Great job N119! We Rox as a team! Let's aim for retention!

I muz PEN it down!

2009-04-11T19:46:00.004+08:00

I must Pen this down! Apprently, I've forgotten about the no-rain miracle God send yesterday. God is kind enough to send another no-rain miracle again! The children church's children (...2 times in a sentence...) experienced no rain for the past 2 days. Almost immediately when the kids reach home, it started to rain!

Today's service reminds me once again why we are here as teachers...during the worship...I was unusually sharp to notice that children were singing louder than the adults! I could feel the cry for God from the children...no wonder the children are the key to the future...They can bring the worship to a even higher level! Which reminds me of what Rev Ulf Ekman said "Older generation has experience and younger generation has stamina, they are a perfect team"

That's all for today! I'm spiritually alive, but physically exhausted...time for rest.

2nd Post in a day!

2009-04-10T23:35:00.003+08:00

Was really exhausted after children church today...wonder what happen to me...my stamina dropped... Maybe I don't have the capacity to lead the children anymore.

Well I quickly prayed for da friends that came today...(Great Job N119! We ROX as a team!) though I was abit sad that I've to chase Easter bunnies during Easter...well nevermind that! I quickly went to bed and have a very very good rest.

I'm going to dicipline my flesh to jog tomm! I must strengthen my TOFU muscles!

Couldn't sleep.

2009-04-10T07:58:00.005+08:00

Last night I was rolling in my bed back and forth like a spring roll. This feeling is back again, haunting me like a death reaper. It isn't something superficial that can go away with a simple prayer "God, I pray you'll take it away. haha." It's not something I'm unfamiliar, this death reaper knows me and I know it. Everytime it comes, it's so unbearable...I have to cry out everything to God. Each time I prayed "God please take it away, let it not come back again", but almost everytime I'll get reminded of this verse just like paul "My grace is sufficient in your weakness", then this death reaper would go for a vacation and come back again when I least expect it...and the cycles repeats itself...

This isn't something that I can easily share with anybody. Once I tried to share with someone who meant alot to me. I got rejected even before I started. He/she is right, a man should really make a stand for himself. This is my fight, I've to rely on God for the rest of my life to see me through. And YES I will fight, I'll not run. In fact, I'm glad nobody saw it, maybe it'll be a secret forever between God and me till I carry to the grave.

Good morning Good Friday, the fight for today is over. I'll face a new day with a smile once again :)

Day 4: NooooOOOO~ Part 2

2009-04-09T16:33:00.006+08:00

My lazy bones refuses to get up for a run! I'll do it again tommorrow! I'm not giving up!

Was in angry mode this morning. I'm down to my 10th dollar to survive for the rest of the month. I didn't spend on anything else other than food (which I only spend like 2-3 times a week, less than 5 per meal), the only luxury I got this month was a haircut+wash for $20. Angry at myself that I'm always in this pathetic state even when I spend ultra super carefully and people around me can spend as much as they want, and still have plenty leftover. Continued to resist my temptation to blame God...thanking God that I got work in these down times...I should be grateful.
Besides, I really detest this angry side of me, and I was praying throughout my journey to work to cool myself. I'm thankful that when I step into my workplace, I was all smiles. Whew. -_-''' Hope I don't become a professional in fake smiles, I really hope not.

Tried my best again this Easter, well...at least N119 as a team got some friends...It's going to be a "Lonely" Easter for me again this year...can't I even squeeze out 1 friend....grr.....No nO....I must...smile....yes...yea...smile :) ^_^ :>

Gosh...I'll spend my Easter chasing bunnies instead

Day 3: NoooooOOO~~~

2009-04-08T10:38:00.013+08:00

Woke up 7am today. Well...not bad I can still pray for 1hr. Looks like my limit for now is 2 days. SO...i'm going to change my schedule to:
Monday: 530am, Exercise
Tuesday: 530am, Exercise
Wednesday: 630am, rest
Thursday: 530am, exercise
Friday: 530am, exercise
Sat & Sun: 630am, rest

Adjustments....are the way of life. Today in the morning when I was on my to the mrt. I saw 2 Indian guys holding big bags(looks around 3-5kg) with only their head! I was more amazed when they cross the road without using their hands to steady the weight! I mean...it's so COOL-LA! Also, I found a way to hold my bag so that I still can train both my arms while on my way to work! COol eh! I'm such a genius!

Throughout the Mrt journey today, my mind was in thoughts (after praying in the train) the whole morning. I was thinking...in the past I couldn't take time out to spend more time with the members because of my financial situation (days that I was so poor that I'm left with 10c. No kidding). Now if I were to do the same...wouldn't that be weird? "Why are you asking me for meal all of sudden?" between gals and boys, is even more sensitive, wait until I'm a CGL? too late then? I remember Robb thomsom words that if you don't bother to build relationships, in the end like king david, you'll be all alone. So many "friends", in the end, none at all.
I thought to myself "It's okay...what I sowed is what I reap today. That's fair. It's the law of life." If I didn't have the financial restrictions then...would it be better today? maybe...maybe not. I thought to myself again "Nah, this is going nowhere, no point brooding over it. Might as well make the best out of what I have now"

I also made plans for my future! Of course I'm not going to be extreme and stubborn about it. God can change it anytime He wishes. If not, I'll just stick to my current plan. By the end of this year, I'm making plans to go to be a full-time missionary (work then take holiday to go missions. Once I'm financially able, I'll stop working and do missions all the way) if I'm not settling down. Besides, I cannot really fully focus on missions if I need to worry about my family back home. If I'm settling down...part-time missions likely. I've not thought deep into that yet.

That's all for today. I'll most probably be too busy tonight to blog.

Day2: Success!

2009-04-07T13:03:00.012+08:00

530am: Woke up...went back to sleep again
6am: Woke up...and prayed (and said...O NEO! I slept additional 30 mins again!)
7am: 50 pushups+15 situps + 15 mins run
8am: Panting and quick shower
820am: Waiting for bus, wondering why bus is so long
830am: In train and praying for members+friends+colleagues+myself
930am: Just arrived office and got a call to go another site
10am: "draw" $ out of atm to take cab. Thinks to himself that he's going to receive instant riches when he gets taxi claims at the end of the month

Yay! Finally can feel (touch...touch... eeee~!) and see the results of my 50 pushups! My tofu muscles now have MEAT inside! WHOO HOO!
I am going to give myself a new goal for each day! I've always make a point to pray before I handle any tasks, even tasks that I can do with my eyes closed. Today, fell asleep in front of my colleague while he's talking to me! Oh crap, I felt really bad!
Today, what Junjie said before: "God has a strange way of reminding you things", this sentence came to life right before my eyes. My colleague and I were shopping for the things tommorrow at Sim Lim Square. I saw this young chap, getting tea for his boss, was just walking around the shop. I was immediately reminded of the time when I was working in Sim lim square. I was given the position, but hardly the opportunity to sharpen my skills in software/hardware troubleshooting. "Cleaning the shop?" here I am. "delivery boy?" here I am. "Sales?" here I am. "Being accussed of being wronged?" Here I am. Still I did my best, even though I really wanted to get my hands on software/hardware troubleshooting! Thank God He saw my faithfulness in these areas; when I thought nobody cares or is watching! Immediately in my heart, I thank God for His divine intervention. Had God not stepped into my world, I may have remained forever the same.

I went for a haircut and on my way home, I was really tired and this feeling of loneliness creep upon me. I immediately snap in my mind and set up my defences praying in tongues and confessing the word of God(in my mind of course). Get out of my way devil, it's different now. I'll no longer be defensive. I'll gladly administrate the same defeat Jesus did to you 2000 years ago. Don't Come After Me, I'll COME AFTER YOU!

That concludes my day! I wanna run again tommorrow!

Day 1: Success!

2009-04-06T11:03:00.018+08:00

WHOO! This morning barely made it! Check this out:

6am: Broke out of dreamland, prayed and read the bible (after saying OMG! I am suppose to wake up @ 5am!)
7am: 50 pushups with 5kg weight, 15 situps, 30mins run around my neighbourhood
745am: catching my breath, Quick shower and cup of tea+cold drink
8am: Left for work, receive a call to change location. short-praying in the train, I'll be able to handle issues
930am: Wismaaaaaa atria office again, barricaded by ladies. Doing blogspot drafts, doing my taxi claim receipts. Reply sms to friends.
1031am, 15th sec: My colleague gave me a call and told me a lame-d with me after I hung up his call by accident. Might be meeting him later.
1045am, 45th sec: Praying and thinking how to fill my evenings with reaching out to friends
11am: Finish my server routine checks, Facebooking and accidently gave a call to a colleague whos in indonesia, bintan (and saying O Neo! cannot claim! I tot he's in singapore!)
1245pm: Left office and going down to another site! short-praying in the bus to be able to tackle IT issues later.
3pm: Reached and finished the issues on this site!
4pm: Multiple issues came up! Solved them like a ninja!

I was suppose to blog more...I kept forgetting what my thoughts were....ahh....my age....

Thoughts at the speed of light

2009-04-05T15:22:00.004+08:00

The words of my dad really really carry weight. I thought only spiritual leaders words carry weight. After what my dad said yesterday (I couldn't remember most of it, mostly it is the resonsibilities I'm to take over, and getting married etc.) A great sense of fear overwhelm me so much, that I was "zone out" from my home all the way till I reach church. The result was; I couldn't think straight and I don't even know what's going on. It was only until the worship song is over, I got to my senses.

After what Junjie told me today, I got to watch over myself more. I tend to be multiple personalities, swapping through and forth to match a person/situation. I didn't realize it until he told me. It make sense now, I try to please everyone as much as I can. I often switch myself to match people's level of conversation in order to understand the other party better. Well, honestly I wanted to ask him how to I solve this problem, as I'm not always fully aware of myself all the time. My next thought was to immediately tell el, mh, mx and eddy. And ask them if I don't "behave as myself", remind me so that I can change. As I thought further, I thought they are not obligded to help me, besides this is really my problem with myself. Most likely I'll pray and figure out a solution with God and myself.

Finally it's my rest day, time to rest up as much as I can, tommorrow morning I need to punish my muscles again! They are soft and bouncy as tofu now! (oh no!)

Plan...plan...plan...

2009-04-04T23:10:00.004+08:00

No plan is perfect...I tend to be a perfectionist in my planning this is my PERFECT plan schedule:
Monday, Tuesday & Thursday: 5am wakeup pray till 6am, exercise and jog till 7am, washup and leave for work by 8am, reach 9am, leave workplace by 5pm, meetup a non-church friend. Sleep by 11pm
Wednesday: 5am wakeup pray till 6am, exercise and jog till 7am, washup and leave for work by 8am, reach 9am, leave workplace by 5pm, Bible Study. Sleep by 12pm
Friday: 5am wakeup pray till 6am, exercise and jog till 7am, washup and leave for work by 8am, reach 9am, leave workplace by 5pm, CG, sleep by 12pm.
Saturday: 6am wakeup pray till 7am, washup and leave for ministry by 830am, reach 930am, meetup Junjie 6:30pm. Rest by 11pm.
Sunday: 6am wakeup, pray till 7am, washup and leave for church by 7am, reach 830am, service and fellowship till 2-3pm, rest for day.

Of course, my schedule tends to go haywire once in awhile. Even right now, my body is giving up on me. There are always some random events that gets in the way. It's good, as long as I got room to rest without burning out, besides i need to work out my skinny body.

Today, after children ministry in the morning, went for company meeting @ 12pm today, ended at 2pm and I went striaght home as I got plenty of time till I meetup with Junjie @ 630pm. It was really a nice dinner with him though, although I was really exhausted from all the weekdays activities. It is good to be reminded by Junjie of our first love for God once again, being too busy with the schedule of life tends to cause one to lose focus of what is really and truly important. Eddy and I initially plan to meetup with Junjie once a week, but I don't think it's practically possible at least for my wallet and my body. We'll probably change it to twice a week.

Adjustments and adjustments and more adjustments! Alright...that's all for tonight! Tommorrow is a day to look forward to!

This Is A Night Where Our hearts Are Set Forth....

2009-04-04T00:20:00.005+08:00

Didn't really have much to do in the office today, went around a few offices, mingled around.

How was CG Today? Everyone Spoke their part...I was a little upset when only mingxun mentioned me! Then binxun later told me personally...which was really nice! My CG members have forgotten who sacrifice his sleep to book seats for them in the morning! Boo HOO!!!!!! Why lik Dat! Ok...ok...I'm human ok...so it's natural I feel like that...Although I was really abit upset, I was thinking in my heart...that...this is a true test for servanthood, would you still be faithful in what your doing even when not even a single one appreciates you! well...I think I failed the test.
I also realized Eddy wasn't mentioned @ all...so God has dealt with me fairly...I rest my case...Actually I wanted to mention every single one today. I believe if I do so, there wouldn't be time for others to share....

Junjie - Thank you for personally guiding me, although you always have a reason to let me go for what I did.
Miaohua - For teaching me what is truly important in our walk with God and people. I really value your advise alot, cos this is kind of my weak area
Eddy - Brother in Christ...who can I find another partner in the queuing ministry and fellow servant to Junjie?
MingXun - I'll always remember your the first who told me guitar was easy! Your my friend children church worker!
Wei Loong - THank you for teaching me "Once I've Turn My Face From Thee" This song has been my personal worship song to God at times even till now.
Bin Xun - Your really one of a kind, you tend to always notice things that others dun really notice. For example, me! hahahahaha. Thank you, your little encouragement to me will go a long way.
Chun yew - Someone I can be free and crap with.Really wish I could spend more time with you.
Enling - My fellow sister since sister veron cg(was it?). Dunno why to me you seemed cold, perharps because I seem cold to you. I really apologise, I'm not really that comfortable 1 to 1 with gals. Hope we can be talkable friends in the years to come even when you are holding leadership positions in the ministry.
Hans - I can never have another a gaming buddy like you. You are the friend who understands the struggles of computer addiction.
Jiasin - Fellow sister, who handles birthdays really well after she took over from me. Good job sister!
Louis - Someone that I can even be more lame to, your the one who I can afford to release more unexposed side of me.
Majin - I look to you as my own younger sister
Maoshun - We knew each other since TRP days, where we went through some training together. I really left a bad impression back then, I hope you've already forgiven me, let's work towards the better of this CG!
Michelle - I'm really happy at my friendship level with you! Let's keep it that way!
Weijie - I always look to you as a fellow friend and a younger brother! Lemme know if you need any help!

There I'm done!

First step into Indonesia

2009-04-02T22:58:00.003+08:00

Whoo hoo! Took my first step into indonesia and first time into a boat ferry. First time stepping into a boat ferry was quite an experience for me... My world was shaky and I couldn't stand still for the first 5 mins, thank God I was fine after awhile.

The people are really nice to me over there, looks like a good place to pick up indonesian language! I'm planning to learn 2 words per visit! Was really drained out at the end of the day. I'm really packed this busy, I'm all the way busy from monday to saturday and all the way till the night. I couldn't even find room to squeeze in my guitar practice! The only rest day I have is sunday afternoon onwards! I plan to turn down all appointments on that day, so that won't burn out myself.

When I reach home, my mum demand I pay her a larger amount of cash than what I've given her. I was so upset, I went downstairs and drew a major portion of what I've left and gave it to her. The only good thing out of this is that I didn't lash out get her. Gotta manage my anger...gotta manage my anger...gotta manage my anger...gotta manage my anger...I just wish my mum would really understand my situation...well nevermind.

Prayer meeting...

2009-04-01T22:16:00.002+08:00

Whew. Finally managed to reach on time today. Thank God for that, since I was able to wake up without an alarm clock and I was ultra+super+tired the previous night. Just got a weird feeling that I'm going SOT nxt year and will become a team leader, after that CGL. Don't ask me how... God never did a "THUS SAYTH THE LORD", nor God gimme a vision. I just feel it during prayer meeting all of sudden. Usually I'm wrong, so anyway I'm just gonna write it here for recording purposes.

Today was fairly interesting at work, I was in the office the whole morning, nothing much to do. So I quickly use this time to write the messages on the cards we're suppose to do as a cell group. Interesting though, must be God's grace that I was undisturbed throughout. :)

Very interesting joke with my discipler today. I saw him msg me about getting back to him as his pa....i mistook pa for papa (in some cultures, they call their father, pa in short). Then I notice what he really means is P.A, personal assistant! We both laughed(through sms) and that made a april fool joke of the day.

Tomm I'm going to indonesia for company work. All the best for me! It's my first time to indonesia too~! Should be fun! haha! Sadly got to give tommorrow's prayer meeting a miss :(

Trying to reach out to one.

2009-03-31T23:46:00.003+08:00

My friends reaching out are going nowhere again. It's really hard to evangelise when you are working. Espically if your friends are outside your work circle. Give it a try, you'll really understand and know how draining it is. Although I cannot garantee history won't repeat again, I'm still hoping for the best.

I need God's grace to see me through. Without God, I'm dead meat. I'm looking very very-ier and vary-est to the prayer meeting tommorrow. Praying in a different way really makes a difference. I'll share this after a week.

Gotta balance my life abit, quickly blog and quickly sleep, so I can quickly get up and quickly pray.

Lonely feeling

2009-03-30T23:22:00.002+08:00

Hmm always after work...on my way home is a loooong journey. Often I would doze of, and the remaining of the time, random thoughts would fly pass my mind. Often I would think about the future, what to plan, what needs to be planned, what is planned. Being alone in the bus, I often wished my better-half would be beside me for the rest of the journey, I was daydreaming of course. Dreams are without boundaries and limit. Just couldn't shake the loneliness away, it feels like not different from the past life that I used to have. I was lonely as a child, I was always longing for someone to really really understand my feelings though I was a guy. I soon realize my ugliness and irriating people for attention really turn people off. I didn't really want to, I decided to push myself to another extreme by being cruel to my heart and shut myself from others.

Although I'm still alone most of the time, I'm glad now that I don't have the heart felt feeling of loneliness, but this gentle and still/calm peace inside my heart. Then usually after that,I would think about the cg members, how they are doing, how can I be closer friends with them, help them to grow, share my experiences with them, so they can become strong and avoid very deep mistakes that I made before. I can't deny I would feel abit of jealousy that they can outgrow me, but that is a problem with me that I must deal with. I must keep telling myself that I'm happy to help them grow.

I realize I'm really human, no matter how tough, the heart is often hidden behind the toughness of skin. Which often reminds me of what Pst Robb Thomson said long ago "If you don't make friends today, in the end of your days you'll be so lonely" Which is what I'm feeling right now. I made mistakes and made bad decisions, which I'm harvesting the rewards today. I guess...it's alright, I'm in this for so many years, would make any difference to add another. This feeling is only temporarily anyway. I must always discipline myself to always let go when such thoughts come to my mind! I will let go because...there's so much more to look forward to! The future is yours if you can grab it! God will be glad to guide you into your future! The sky is the limit!

Tired

2009-03-29T22:39:00.003+08:00

The lunch fellowship was really interesting thanks to Miaohua, She's really good at influencing people to join her game of bridge! Hahhahahahahhahahahaha! I gotta hand that to you, Miaohua! *both hands and heads down*. Guys(and Gals), we got to always be careful in our choice of words in public(in front of many cg members), try not to embrass in anyway possible. In 1 to 1, it might be ok, in public, the embrass moments are multiplied! "Suaning" never helps people to grow, trust me in that, I've personal experiences before. Let's care for each other feelings Ok :). enjoyed the fellowship with the cg members! Let's keep going to changi alrite? (hahahhahaha~)

After that, I went my way down to Expo hall 8 for children church briefing. I was really tired and while I was half-way there, a thought came to my mind "I was here in children church again because I'm really good and got experience, I'm very zhai what, better than most teachers" I almost immediately have a counter-thought "I am not here because of my talents or skills, I'm here because of God's grace" Whew, I'm like: "thanks Holy Spirit" I'll never know what trouble I'll get into if I continue to habour these thoughts.

Nowadays, I am more alert of myself. I realize when I'm tired, all these funny, annoying and ridiculous thoughts came to my mind. When I'm alert and fresh, these thoughts usually and almost never came. They come when I'm tired and low on my guard. Man, I'll make it a point to be alert when I'm outside from now on.

I ended the day in a funny way. Know those colored balls that the children bounce upon in the back of hall8, children church area. I joined a dedicated team of cleaning the balls 1 by 1, 11,000 of them! Very interesting, makes you think we often take the little things that are in church for granted. I learn a lesson...in a hard and nice way :)

What do you guys think of Video today?

2009-03-28T22:12:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1EAmfOu9lE&feature=related

I was whooo after the Junjie show us the video today. Others felt that their problems aren't that big after all. For me, that didn't impacted me much, I'm always and usually the odd one out and this is no exception. I started to think maybe our accomplishments, assets, wealth, power, fame, glory aren't that great after all. It's like an ant trying to show off to you that he owns a 10cm nest below your sofa or a grasshoper that broke a record of leaping 10m. It's not big of a deal in our eyes isn't it? It's the same in comparision to God.

With a universe within measure of God's fingers. God can simply recreate the universe again and all over again should the universe fall into error. My God! He didn't! For the sake of saving living dust, God sent what is dearest to Him and: Born into our world, breathe our air, eat our food, took a job, felt our pain, sorrow, misery, bear our pain, die to save US! Living beings the sise of dust! Would a human being go to that extend for an ant? Which is similiar in comparision of size!

I'm completely amazed...Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

Men's Conference

2009-03-28T01:21:00.001+08:00

Well, I really prayed and wanted to receive as much as I can from this conference. After it ended, I was thinking why was it so short? Then I only saw the truth when we start to leaving the place - It takes very long for us to go home!

During the conference, Pastor Phili really addressed what is really in our hearts. We have always believe we are the bride of Christ. Of course we are, but this has caused our thinking to shrink that we are less of a man(of character) and it's ok that whether a boy becomes a man of character or not. Which reminds me of the days I really did everything I could to show the importance of manhood when I was serving in Cheryl's cg. Eventually, I totally gave up of it after trying for a few months. It's okay that I wasn't appreciated or beng thanked for, but it doesn't seem anyone bother at all or no signs of manhood being encouraged. Sometimes I feel like telling the sisters, "Gals, please give the guys a chance to pull the chair/door for you, don't do it before us". They said Ok, but I later found I was brutally ignored.

Of course at the end of it, i really completely understand guys need to raise up the standard and lead the front lines. We got to have courage to take the offense, and not defence(waiting for miracles/opportunities). Stand by your leaders through ALL times.(See where you stand when your leader is being accussed, would you believe the crowd or your leader?). I still remember I was sitting there, thinkng about evangelism that I've always tried and give my best shot, in the end got slapped left and right. I did try, I really try when others couldn't. It was a time of courage, but wasn't permanent. I saw myself like a goldfish unable to break the invisible wall that is no longer there.

The pain is real, the experience is real. I want to go beyond the wall, but the pain of past continuous years of failed evangelism keeps coming back. I tried to forget, I tried everything I could to put it off my mind. I prayed, I fought, it went away only temporarily, comes back when I was tired and low on my guard.

As if that wasn't enough, the pressure of getting a gf or not keeps slugging my mind. I want to taste the forbidden waters, at the same time I DO NOT WANT TO because I'm only left with only 450+ /mth (after my tithe/allowance to parents, NOT COUNTING MY OWN EXPENSES!) even though I got a 1.75k pay. I REALLY REALLY REALLY saved to the point I even cut some of my meals. Even I starve myself for a mth, at most I bring home 650/mth. HOW IS THIS AMOUNT POSSIBLE to SUPPORT MY GF? Makes NO SENSE AT ALL! Let ALONE getting a wife! Is it Practical? or should I trust God blindly in this area? If I trust God in this area, is it wise?
I felt really so dumb, between trusting God with my finances OR is it I make a stupid decision in my life that I gave beyond what I should? I can't really find someone who REALLY REALLY understand me in this area, since I found no one really gives at my level. Sometimes it isn't I want to share with God or someone, when I'm in the presence of God or someone, I've don't remember what I want to say. In times like this, then I remember! Then again, what can I say? I'm stuck, I can only trust God, and perharps it's best for me to remain single. Trusting God for the best for me.

Maybe I should be really thankful to God instead and I believe I should! It was God who divinely gave me this job in the first place, the attitudes I have that I applied in this job, all comes from God! In the end? I realize it's best not said. Just thank God for what He's done for me.

Finally!

2009-03-27T00:42:00.000+08:00

Here I am again, blogging after closing down for such a long time. It's good to be home again after running away from a loo00ng time.

Just yesterday, i suffered a heartbreak because my hamster passed away. I wouldn't dare to spread out or show my heartbroken state, as I dunno if it'll look childish to brood over such a small thing. I did try, but I can't really find someone who really understand this turmoil I'm going through.

I don't really have alot of true friends, which most likely caused me to be too emotionally attached to my hamster. Then again, you can never force or enforce relationships, if you can relate to them, you can. If you can't, forcing it would result in akwardness in both sides. (which happen to me alot of times)

Well, when I reach home after my work on saturday. I saw my hamster lying down, looking very sad and weak. I took it up and begin stroking my hamster. I knew something was really wrong when my hamster is unusually weak and couldn't move much. for the next few hours, I was praying for a miracle as I continue stroking my hamster. I'll probably never forget the eyes of my hamster before its death. It looked really miserable, as if to say "help me...help me...". I felt really useless, that I could do nothing to help my hamster.

Knowing nothing could be done, I left my hamster in the cage, and being by my hamster side like a friend. For the next few hours, I was there with my hamster and I began singing hymns and stroking my hamster hoping to comfort her. I saw it closed its eyes peacefully as if it were sleeping right before its departure. For the next few hours I was on my knees praying and praying for a miracle.
Well, it didn't happened, I was angry for the moment and asked God why do I have to suffer another heartache? It's not as if I recovered from my broken heart from my broken dreams long ago, I only just recovered not long ago! Can't God just save my hamster? Is not as if I'm asking for the world or another human to come to life again?

If I were to share that with my friends, most likely I'll get redicule for my childishness and too emotional. Then again I must keep telling myself and not brood over it, I've to face this hurt and take my exams. For now and forever I just never want to keep another hamster ever again.

Here I am again, blogging after closing down for such a long time. It's good to be home again after running away from a loo00ng time.

2009-03-26T00:42:00.000+08:00

1st Official Posts

2009-03-23T00:41:00.000+08:00